Please Excuse Johnny

The internet is good for many things. Of course, it’s maybe not so good for other things, and some things it probably shouldn’t be used for at all. Seriously, I don’t think sites like “How to Be a Brain Surgeon in 10 Easy Lessons” should be trusted, but that’s just personal opinion.

A note for the humor-challenged. Yes, I’m joking. No, “How to Be A Brain Surgeon in 10 Easy Lessons” doesn’t really exist. Yes, I “googled” it. I did find “Cutting Edge Brain Surgery” but, no, I didn’t go there.

At its worst, the internet can be a dangerous place with instructions on how to make things no law-abiding individual should even be curious about, and of course, there’s all that schmuck out there, as a friend calls it. OK, yeah, I have a friend who loves his schmuck, but that’s his problem, not mine, and I’ve never been one to advocate censorship.

Still, the internet is a valuable tool for a writer. It can provide a lot of good information in a matter of seconds, and no way would I ever want to go back to those days when research meant driving miles into town, thumbing through the library’s card catalog, and then discovering that every book I needed was either (a) already checked out, (b) missing and presumed lost, or (c) no longer in the library system.

Don’t get me wrong. I love libraries. I’ve donated books to libraries. I encourage everyone to get — and use — a library card. Still, for finding facts fast, I’ll take the internet any day.

For all its faults and follies — or maybe because of those faults and follies — the internet is ideal for one other thing: entertainment. This makes it an excellent resource for procrastinating writers. Under the guise of doing research, a writer can spend hours browsing websites and finding all sorts of useless, but amusing, information.

Like these excuses from parents to teachers:

  • My son is under a doctor’s care and shouldn’t take PE today. Please execute him.
  • Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time.
  • Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, so I had her shot.
  • Please excuse Johnny from being absent January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
  • It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke, and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home.
  • Please excuse Roland from PE for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • Please excuse Wayne for being out yesterday. He had the fuel.
  • John has been absent from school because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  • Tommy wasn’t in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday.
  • Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
  • Jerry was at his grandmother’s yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn’t remember where the school was.
  • Please excuse my daughter’s absence. She had her periodicals.
  • Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

And my favorite of all:

  • Please excuse my son. He will be out next week slaughtering goats for his manhood ritual. Thank you!

But, wait! There’s more! Call now, and we’ll double your order.

Funny2 – School Excuses.

It seems appropriate to talk about kids and schools right now because it is that time of year. You’re busy packing lunches, gathering up books, supervising homework, or maybe you’re even homeschooling.  If you are, I applaud you. Just do a good job of it, will you? Few things in life are more important than a good education. Please, make sure Johnny does know how to read, all right?

But, I digress. The truth is, I’m not really here to talk about kids and school, so let’s cut to the chase, as they say, and take a look at the excuses we make. The excuses for not writing, you know. All those good reasons why we just can’t take time to do it today.

Most of our all-grown-up, adult reasons for not writing involve time and other responsibilities. We never have enough of the former and always have too many of the latter.

Dear Muse, please forgive me for not writing yesterday. I had five loads of laundry to do, three meals — including home-made lasagna — to cook, the grass had to be cut before the neighbors started complaining, and on the way to the store I ran out of gas. 

Hey, it happens. Sometimes life gets busy, and we get worn out, plumb tuckered, exhausted, beat, and frazzled. We run out of steam or out of gas. Take your pick.

All joking aside, sometimes things do happen. There are legitimate reasons why we must occasionally miss a day or two of writing. Most of the time, though, our good excuses are, well, only excuses. The trick is knowing the difference.

The next time you’re absent from your writing desk, try this. Sit down and scribble an excuse to take with you when you go back. Is it the real deal? Or was it just that the dog ate your homework?

The dog ate my homework! Really, he did!

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